Bittersweet Memories
by Dlbn
Summary: Ritsuka's memory begins returning to him piece by piece. These debilitating flashbacks unfortunately get in the way of everything. But a chance encounter with Kio might be just what he needs to help him get back the most important memory of all.


Dlbn: Hey everyone. Time for another one-shot from me!  
Nbld: Let's get this party started!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Loveless or any characters, themes, and/or places contained within. They all belong to Yun Kouga. I also don't own the song "Bittersweet Memories" by Bullet for My Valentine. It belongs to, obviously, Bullet for My Valentine. I make NO money off of writing in this category and/or using this song as inspiration and mentioning it here.

000

Ritsuka couldn't exactly pinpoint the day when his memories began flooding back to him in waves. It was obnoxious, as it tended to interfere with his daily life. He'd be sitting in class when a memory would flash through his mind and he'd sit there zoned out until it stopped; only to have everyone in the classroom looking at him like he had four heads. Or it would hit him when he was taking a bath and he missed that he was overflowing the tub. Luckily, there was a drain in the middle of the floor to soak it all up, but it still made a mess. Sometimes it would hit him during lunch while he was talking, and he'd stop talking until it ended and made Yuiko worry. He couldn't tell his friends or classmates, or even Shinonome-sensei, what was happening. It wasn't like _they_ could ever understand. No one could, really. He tried talking to his therapist about it, but she had insisted that as long as they were coming back, that was all that mattered. He just wished he could control when they came back better, but she had no techniques for that. So for now, all he could do was wait and hope that it stopped eventually, that it became more infrequent, or that bad memories wouldn't start to hit him and make him have a panic attack in the tub or at school. It would be embarrassing at school, but could be deadly in the tub if it was full.

000

It was about a week after his memories started coming back to him, and Ritsuka still had no way to stop them from coming as quickly and at such inopportune times. The only person he could ask about this was Soubi, but of course the artist was still off with Seimei somewhere. The thought made Ritsuka's blood boil, but he fought back the urge to curse out his brother for stealing Soubi. Cursing and getting angry wouldn't do. Besides, he'd convinced himself that Soubi was never his anyway and that Seimei had a right to take him. After all, he was Seimei's fighter; with Seimei's name carved into his neck like a bad tattoo, and having no choice but to answer Seimei's every beck and call and order. Although he knew that the elder blonde wasn't going to be there, it didn't stop Ritsuka from climbing the wooden staircase to his apartment and knocking on the door. He was surprised when it opened, but then remembered that the zero boys-Yoji and Natsuo Sagan-lived there and didn't question it.

"Hey guys." He greeted gloomily. "Could I come in for a bit?"

"Hey, Rit-chan." A tired voice replied.

Ritsuka looked up to see Soubi's best friend, Kio Kaido, holding the door open. The male didn't have any of his earrings in, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. His lime green hair spilled in a messy formation over his head.

"What are you doing here, Kio?"

"Probably the same as you."

"I just need somewhere to clear my head."

"I'm looking for Soubi…aren't you?"

Ritsuka shook his head. "He's left, Kio. I don't think he's going to come back any time soon."

Kio's tiny smile faded away at that. "I know. But it doesn't hurt to hope. You want to come in still?"

"Are Yoji and Natsuo here?"

"No."

Ritsuka thought for a moment. There was no harm in spending some time with Kio. "Sure, I'll come in."

"Okay." Kio stood back and let him in.

Ritsuka walked into the studio apartment that smelled like oil paints and wax crayons. It looked the same as it did the last time Ritsuka was there, when he made Soubi an omelet, but it felt a lot bigger knowing Soubi wasn't around. Ritsuka dropped his bag near the couch before flopping down on it. He sat on the edge of the couch cushion and held his hands together between his knees. It was the same position he'd sit in while at his therapist's office.

"Do you want something to eat or drink or something?"

"No, thanks. I'm…" Ritsuka trailed off as a memory flashed through his mind again.

_ Ten year old Ritsuka Aoyagi searched around in the crowds for his missing brother. Seimei had taken off while he was on the Ferris Wheel, so he was alone. Seeing a long black tail in the crowd, Ritsuka gave chase. He saw Seimei go around behind the snack bar with another boy about his age; but the boy had longer black hair and no ears. Who was he? Ritsuka stepped closer to be able to hear what they were saying._

"_Have you found the target yet?" Seimei wondered. "I swear, this is taking far longer then it should, Akame."_

"_I'm working on it. It takes time to hack and look for a person, you know." The other person, Akame, spoke in a slightly higher pitched voice; though his voice was quiet. "But yeah, I found him in Kyoto."_

"_So eliminate him."_

"_Eliminate?" Akame seemed surprised._

"_Are you deaf?" Seimei growled. "Eliminate. Get rid of. Take down. _Kill_."_

_Ritsuka gasped lightly after hearing the last word come from Seimei's lips. Seimei wanted his companion to…_kill_ someone?_

"_Who's there?" Seimei wondered. "Show yourself."_

_Instead of going to his brother's side, Ritsuka backed up to stay out of his sight. His shadow, however, did not share the sentiment that he was feeling and stayed cast where Seimei could see._

"_Ritsuka?" Seimei wondered softly. "Is that you?"_

_Ritsuka heard footsteps and stood there, paralyzed with fear. Seimei and his friend rounded the corner and peered down at him._

"_R-Ritsuka? I thought you were on the Ferris Wheel."_

_Ritsuka shook his head as Seimei held a hand out to him._

"_Ritsuka, it's just me." Seimei said. "Come on, now."_

_He made a move to grab his brother's hand, but Ritsuka pulled away and ran off._

"_Damn it!" Seimei cursed. "Nisei, stop him!"_

"_Freeze!" Akame ordered._

_Ritsuka felt himself unable to move. "Let me go!" He ordered._

_Within seconds, he was able to walk again, but he tripped over his own shoelace. He fell to the ground with a sickening crack as his head bounced off the pavement. His consciousness began to fade away as Seimei and his friend got closer._

"_Damn…" Seimei cursed again. "Akame, remember that spell? The memory one?"_

"_Y-Yeah…?"_

"_Cast it. Quick." Seimei ordered. "I don't want him remembering what he saw."_

"_Forget." Akame said, touching Ritsuka's forehead. "And sleep."_

_Before Ritsuka could say anything, he passed out; the last thing he saw being his brother's half concerned, half smirking grin._

When Ritsuka snapped from the memory, Kio was sitting on the floor in front of him, holding onto a cup of something hot while another sat next to him. Kio offered Ritsuka the one in his hand.

"T-Thanks…"

"Hot chocolate. I know you don't like coffee." Kio replied softly. He took a sip from the cup at his side. "How long has that been happening?"

"I don't know. Too long."

Kio smiled sadly. "Yeah, I know how that feels." He chuckled. "Are you just blacking out? Or are you seeing memories?"

Ritsuka stopped drinking and nearly dropped his cup onto his lap. "W-What?" He wondered. "How did you…?"

"The same thing is happening to me. I didn't want to worry Akira," his boyfriend, "so I came here for a couple days. Told him Sou-chan and I were working on a school project. I've been painting, so I can bring that home and tell him we both worked on it. I'm not good at copying Soubi's art style, though, so he'll probably catch me." Kio giggled.

Ritsuka sighed. He knew how in love the two males were and wished someone could love him like that. He had thought that Soubi did, but then he left with Seimei. Since Ritsuka's true name, Loveless, had appeared on his hip, he never felt more alone and unloved. He appreciated the fact that other people could love and be loved, but maybe that just wasn't meant for him; just like his true name said.

"You too?" Ritsuka wondered. "What did you forget about?"

"Apparently I have a sister." Kio spoke into his cup. "I mean, she came to see me when those weird people-"

"Bloodless."

"Huh?"

"That's their name."

"An odd name."

"Nickname." Ritsuka replied. "They're Yurio and Hideo, I think."

"Yeah, I remember them using their names." Kio nodded. "But they were weird, so that's what I feel like referring to them as." He laughed.

"Okay." Ritsuka cracked a small smile. "Go on."

"When those weird people took me and held me hostage." Kio stated. "She called me her big brother. We're twins, but I didn't know about her beforehand. I'm not surprised. Male involvement in our family is kept to a minimum. I got thrown out when I was a kid."

"You did?"

Kio nodded. "I was a teenager, though." He stated. "You're still living home, right?"

Ritsuka nodded slowly. "Unfortunately."

"Unfortunately?"

"My mom beats me." Ritsuka looked away so he didn't have to see the horrified look on Kio's face.

Kio chewed on his bottom lip. "Rit-chan…"

"I'll be fine. At least she knows I'm there." Ritsuka replied. He paused for a moment before speaking again. "I'm not her Ritsuka, so I need to be punished for that…"

"Her Ritsuka? What does that mean?"

"I lost all my memories when I was ten." Ritsuka replied. "I changed so much that she refused to believe I was her Ritsuka. So she hopes he'll come back and beats me for not being her son. But it's okay, as long as she doesn't leave me…like Seimei and Soubi."

"Seimei was murdered."

"He faked his death."

Kio's lips pinched into a hard line. "And what about Soubi? He didn't leave you, did he? You weren't together…right?"

"Um…well…"

"Are you kidding me? He's 22…"

"I know." Ritsuka smiled softly. "But I don't really care about age…he's just Soubi to me."

Kio smiled softly. "You and I have something in common, Ritsuka." He sighed. "I just wish he'd open up more."

"Maybe he can't."

"Huh?"

"Believe me, Kio-chan, Soubi has more secrets then you know, but he can't say anything because he doesn't want you hurt. You already got involved when they kidnapped you." Ritsuka drank from his hot chocolate as he waited for a response.

The flavor was rich, so Kio had probably used cream instead of water to make it. Hot chocolate was probably the only hot drink Ritsuka would have. He didn't like coffee and had no desire to try tea.

"You know more then you let on, don't you."

Ritsuka nodded. "Soubi has trust issues anyway, so even if he could tell you everything, he probably wouldn't. Even if you're best friends."

"We weren't always." Kio laughed. "He thought I was annoying."

Ritsuka smiled softly. "I thought the same about him when we first met…but now I'm a wreck without him…" He looked down to hide his tears from the older male. "S-Sorry…"

"Sorry for what…?" Kio wondered. "Rit-chan…?"

Ritsuka looked up just enough to see Kio's face.

"Do you…_love_…Soubi?"

Ritsuka's eyes averted their gaze as he nodded slightly. "I-I think I do…" He replied. "B-But it's impossible for us to be together…"

"I thought age didn't matter to you."

"It's not that…" Ritsuka replied. "No one's ever felt that way for me before…so why would Soubi?"

"He's all you talk about anymore, you know." Kio informed. "At that school, I told you that Soubi was a zombie before you came around. He hardly spoke, or ate or drank, or even smoked a cigarette. Most days he'd just sit there staring at the ceiling as if wishing Seimei would come down from heaven and take him away."

"That's the problem." Ritsuka replied. "Seimei already did take him away, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I begged him not to leave, but he didn't listen. He went with Seimei anyway…"

"Wait…he's with Seimei?"

"I told you Seimei faked his death…"

"But after faking his death and leaving Soubi alone and broken and miserable, your brother comes back just when Soubi is starting to open up and act like a normal person, and Soubi just goes with him like nothing is wrong?!" Kio was surprised as he put his cup down. "What is wrong with Soubi? Seimei will only hurt him. Masochist…"

Ritsuka smiled softly. "He has his reasons for not being able to refuse Seimei."

"Which are?"

Ritsuka shook his head. "I can't say."

Kio sighed. "Alright."

"Hey, Kio…?"

"Yes?"

"When your memories come back to you…do you know how to stop or end them? Because they start at really bad times for me and…"

"Like when?"

"During class, when I'm taking a bath, when I'm walking home…I just hope it doesn't happen during one of my mother's blackouts, because she could kill me."

"I don't exactly control it. There just aren't many so they don't come that often. How often does this happen?"

"Often enough that Yuiko and my classmates have picked up that something's wrong." Ritsuka took a sip of his drink. "I'm just afraid I might drown, or blackout when it would put me into a situation where my life would be in danger. I don't have Soubi to come to my side anymore."

"He cares a lot about you." Kio stated. "If he knew you were in danger, he'd come running."

"Unless Seimei told him not to. you don't understand what kind of a hold my brother has on him."

"Ritsuka, I've been nursing Soubi through his injured for longer then you've known him. I've seen what Seimei can do when he's angry. He could kill."

"He _has_ killed."

"I'm not surprised." Kio shook his head. "I'm sorry, Rit-chan, but I've always hated your brother for how he treats Soubi. He just rubs me the wrong way."

"Y-you don't have to apologize." With everything he had learned and that the memories were showing him now, Ritsuka didn't really blame anyone-Mikado, Tokino, Ritsu, Nagisa, Kio-for hating Seimei. His elder brother was really insane, when he thought about it. "I understand…I don't like how he treats Soubi either. It makes me mad. Soubi's a _person_, not a _possession_. And even if he was, he doesn't _belong_ to Seimei."

Kio cracked a smile. "We think alike, Ritsuka." He stated. "I think that's partially why I prefer you over Seimei."

"No…no one _ever_ prefers me over Seimei…even my family likes him best."

"Maybe they're all just blind."

"Yeah…maybe."

Kio smiled softly. "I'd take your company over Seimei's any day. Soubi's nuts to leave your side for your brother's instead."

Ritsuka smiled a little. "I think Soubi knows it too…but he still did it…and it hurts…"

"And it's going to hurt for a while. You've basically been dumped, and I'm not going to tell you that it's going to get easier, because you don't need to hear that. To you, it sounds like a generic statement, or a lie, right?" Kio didn't wait for him to reply. "But Soubi _will_ come to his senses one day and come crawling back to you. Which is what you're hoping for, right? For him to realize his mistake?"

"He begged me to never leave him…then left with Seimei not even five minutes later." Ritsuka sighed. "I know Soubi pretty well, but I still don't understand him."

"We're not meant to."

It sounded true enough. Time passed by in silence; the two males enjoying their drinks and the company of someone who could understand them and where they were coming from. Ritsuka was about to say something to Kio to break the ear shattering silence, but another memory hit him.

"_You're Seimei's friend?" A nine year old Ritsuka asked a tall blonde male. "He's never mentioned an adult friend…"_

"_I'm a secret." The elder man replied, putting a finger to his own lips. "I shouldn't be here, talking to you…Seimei will get mad at me…I should go."_

"_Don't go!" Little Ritsuka grabbed the elder man's arm. "Um…I mean…are you busy?"_

"_I'm not busy, not at all." The man replied. "But I shouldn't be here, talking to you and bothering you like this."_

"_You're not bothering me! Most adults ignore me because I'm a kid, but you're listening to me. It's really nice of you!"_

_The man smiled. "I'm Soubi."_

"_I'm Ritsuka." The boy seemed proud of himself. "Nice to meet you, Soubi! How long have you known Seimei?"_

"_Only a couple years now." Soubi replied. "I assume you've known him for nine?"_

_Ritsuka giggled. "Of course, Soubi-san! He's my big brother! I've known him since I was born!"_

"_I figured you would have. It would be weird otherwise." Soubi chuckled._

_Ritsuka grinned and started to say more, but another voice stopped him._

"_What do you think you're doing, Loveless?" His brother's voice wondered, coming up to them from seemingly nowhere. "You know you shouldn't talk to strangers." He looked up at Soubi. "And _you_…"_

"_It's not his fault!" Ritsuka interrupted. "I saw him outside and wanted to say hi! It's too cold out there for him to just stand there, and…"_

"_Loveless, he's a fighter. He can handle the cold for a little bit. What have I told you about not taking to strangers?" Seimei looked to the blonde. "And as for you, what did I say about not going near my little brother under any circumstances, unless _I_ order it?"_

"_I'm sorry, Seimei." Soubi bowed his head. "I-I didn't mean to…"_

"_I didn't ask for an apology, baka." Seimei snarled. "I _asked_ what I told you."_

"_Ritsuka is your little brother and yo don't want him involved in things any further then he already is, and therefore I should keep away to prevent him from being dragged too far in."_

"_Which means?"_

"_No contact between us is permitted."_

"_Seimei, it's not his fault! He wouldn't have talked to me if I didn't bug him so much!" A slightly terrified Ritsuka looked up at Soubi. "I'm so sorry I got you into trouble, Soubi-san."_

"_You have no reason to apologize, Ritsuka." Soubi replied. "I disobeyed Seimei, and that is my fault. Not yours. It's never your fault, okay?"_

"_But…"_

"_Listen to him, Loveless, he knows what he's talking about." Seimei glared at Soubi. "I want him to forget meeting you today. Erase his memory of however long you two were out here."_

"_Seimei, don't do this. Please." Ritsuka begged. "I'll forget about him on my own if you want! I'll probably never see him again anyway!"_

"_And if you do, you won't know." Seimei looked to Soubi. "That's an order, Soubi, so do it."_

"_Hai." Soubi nodded and knelt down next to Ritsuka. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "But I'll unlock the memory again one day, okay?"_

"_Okay."_

"_Sukidayo, Ritsuka." Soubi said quickly before putting two fingers to the boy's head. "Forget…that I ever existed."_

_Ritsuka's smile faded slowly into a thin, emotionless line as the memory of Soubi slipped away. As Ritsuka stood there and not thinking or doing anything, Soubi darted off into the shadows. When Ritsuka came to, Seimei was smiling down at him._

"_Did you do all your homework, Ritsuka?" Seimei wondered._

"_I still have some fractions to do. Can you help me, Seimei?"_

"_Sure." Seimei offered Ritsuka his hand, which the little boy took. "Hey, Ritsuka. remember what I told you about strangers?"_

"_Never ever talk to a stranger. And if one tries to talk to you, find an adult you can trust."_

"_Good." Seimei smiled._

"_Why are you asking me now?"_

"_I just wanted to see if you remembered, that's all."_

"_Oh." Ritsuka grinned. "Okay."_

_Seimei didn't lie, and Seimei did nothing wrong. So Ritsuka would just accept what he said at face value._

Ritsuka snapped out of the memory to catch Kio spacing out a little before he settled back into the real world as well. Kio shook his head a little and ran a hand through his green hair.

"Welcome back." Kio told Ritsuka.

"I should say the same to you…" Ritsuka flushed. "Hey, Kio…?"

"Yes?"

"You were right about Soubi."

"Huh?"

"He does care about me…he once disobeyed Seimei in order to talk to me for the first time. When I was nine…"

"Is that what your memory showed you?"

Ritsuka smiled. "He told me he loves me, even back then."

Kio smiled a little bit. "I knew he did love you. From the day I met you and saw you two together, I knew."

Ritsuka smiled a little as well. "I think I always knew as well." Ritsuka paused. "He's going to come back, Kio."

Kio smiled softly. "I know."

000

Later that night, after having left Soubi's place and getting some pointers from Kio, Ritsuka settled down in the bathtub; hoping that another memory wouldn't hit him while he was in the tub. His long black tail played with the little yellow rubber ducky floating in the bath tub. Kio had suggested that when he felt like a memory was going to come, Ritsuka should close his eyes and take a few deep breaths. It had worked for Kio for quite a bit, and he only really had flashbacks when _he_ wanted them. Not when his mind thought it would be a good idea. Which was good for him, as his mother had gone into a rage and tried to beat him when he first came home. No memories had tried to come forth, but at least he had a way to try and reflect them if need be. Ritsuka sighed and finished his bath before getting dressed and going into his room. When he went into his bedroom, he shut the door and turned around. What he saw surprised him. Soubi sat on the edge of his bed like he was in trouble in the principal's office.

"You're back." Ritsuka said, grinning goofily. "We were right." He went to Soubi and threw his arms around the blonde's neck. "I missed you."

"I missed you, as well." Soubi stated. "Can I hug you back?"

"You don't have to ask. Just do it."

Soubi did as told and Ritsuka melted into his arms.

"I know."

"Know what?"

"Who took my memories, that Seimei and I both knew my true name, the day we first met…"

"I thought you always knew that."

"When I was nine."

Soubi's mouth pinched into a hard line. "You remember now?"

Ritsuka nodded and pulled back a bit to look into his fighter's cobalt eyes. He looked surprised, but he was still Soubi inside; with all the warmth and love in his eyes that he could muster.

"My memories are starting to come back. Hopefully I'll remember everything soon." Ritsuka smiled. "Kio was at your apartment when I went over today. The Zeroes weren't there, so it was just us. We had a nice talk."

"I'm glad you did. He's fond of you." Soubi smiled.

"He prefers me to Seimei."

"As do I." Soubi pulled Ritsuka down to sit on his lap. "It was miserable being there with him. I'm glad that nightmare is over." He buried his face in Ritsuka's shoulder. "Please…take me back…"

"I never gave you up, Soubi." Ritsuka smiled softly. "Trust me, I never will."

Soubi hugged him tighter. "I'm glad. I don't know what I would do without you, Ritsuka."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either, Soubi."

Soubi pulled back to see Ritsuka's face and smiled, before leaning in and pressing their lips together. Ritsuka applied a bit more force, making Soubi pull him closer, before they ended their kiss.

"Do you know why my memories are coming back?"

"Seimei…he broke his bond with Akame."

"What?" Ritsuka was surprised. "I thought…isn't that supposed to be very painful?"

"He thought Akame's weakness would bring him down." Soubi said. "Akame puts up a tough front, but he's just a scared little boy with an ego problem deep down inside." He chuckled. "When he broke their bond, it reversed all his spells."

"But the memory of when we first met…you took that one."

"Seimei and I are no longer connected. He's…well…I can't say. It would break your poor heart." Soubi kissed his nose. "And that's already been through too much."

"Y-Yeah…" Ritsuka smiled softly. "Will you stay the night here, Soubi? My darker memories come back as nightmares and it's scary sometimes; waking up here alone after them, in the dark, with no one to comfort me…"

"I'd be honored to do so, Ritsuka."

Ritsuka stood and crawled onto his bed. Soubi covered him with his blankets. "Good night, Ritsuka."

"Get in here too, baka." Ritsuka said softly, flushing. "It's cold out there…"

"I don't think it's appropriate for me to…"

"Spare me the argument, Soubi. I don't want to hear it…" Ritsuka replied, yawning. "We shared a bed at Seven Voices Academy when we went that one time. It's no big deal…"

Soubi seemed to hesitate before he slipped out of his shoes and jacket. He walked to the bedroom door and locked it before joining Ritsuka under the covers. Ritsuka snuggled up against him.

"Thank you, Soubi."

"You're welcome, Ritsuka."

"Tomorrow, you have to tell me everything you can about what happened, okay?" Ritsuka said. "I want to know the truth."

"And you _will_ know one day." Soubi kissed his temple. "Night, Ritsuka. Sukidayo."

"I know…" Ritsuka smiled. "I've always known."

Soubi smiled and pulled Ritsuka close. The young boy's breath soon fell even and he was asleep. Soubi rubbed the boy's back in circles as he too began to drift off. It didn't take long for both males to fall into a rhythm of breathing that indicated sleep. Together, they drifted off to a world where memories lived and danced around. And throughout the night, Ritsuka didn't suffer from one nightmarish memory. Instead, his mind played images of every former spell battle and every day spent with Soubi. In his sleep, Ritsuka smiled; knowing that no matter what his memories would reveal, one thing remained true.

Soubi loved him and no matter who got in the way, he'd never leave his side.

Ever.


End file.
